Another year around the sun

It’s been a while, and there’s a lot to unpack as to why I’ve been MIA not just from the blog, but from society really, so here’s the contemplative birthday post to get it out of the way, so I can move on to living again.

I think what I miss the most about birthdays is the genuine joy I felt in celebrating my day, and me, and just life in general, which was present up until my thirtieth birthday I think. My thirties have been great in that it’s true what they say about a switch flipping and you just aren’t bothered by a lot of your previous insecurities. It’s extremely liberating to honestly just not give a frock. But, with each year comes the reminders of time passing and milestones (self imposed) not accomplished, signaling failure.

Phrases like everyone’s timeline is their own, isn’t comforting because the things I want aren’t because of others, or society. It’s because it’s what I truly want, and have always wanted, and having to adjust those plans, maybe permanently eliminating them because they are time or age determinant just truly sucks. For example, every year that passes is the chance of one less kid, and eventually that chance will become zero, and that’s pretty freaking depressing because it’s not a choice I’m making. It’s a choice that is being made for me by the passing of time. With that, comes the self-bullying and self-hatred for choices made that have led me to this point, with the logical, kind part of me knowing that I haven’t done anything wrong, but unfortunately logic seldom wins over emotions.

The last couple years were a mixture of health imposed, but mainly self imposed isolation on my birthday, which meant scheduled drowning in the depths of despair and depression. This year, I refused to have the same self-pity party. I had to have my second surgery in less than a year last month, and promised God that if I made it out fixed, I would start to live again. So, this year for my birthday, I accepted birthday invitations to hang out. I initiated plans to see people this month, and I went home to my Mummy to not be alone because I was fighting hard against those demons. They didn’t win this year, but they were still very present at the party, being extremely raucous, but I was able to keep them in the corner, so they didn’t ruin everything.

The day of my birthday I was in physical agony. I hadn’t slept the entire night before (until 8am when I got a 2 hour nap). I had been having stomach cramps a couple days before, and on my birthday I was rewarded with the reason, Day one of Ms. Flow. I thanked God, not because of a pregnancy scare. That would have been an immaculate conception miracle. Instead, it was a present from God that I was healing from surgery, and things were tentatively okay. It reminded me of the first time I got it, on my 13th birthday. I was beyond ready, being a year younger than all my classmates and heading into Form 3, not yet being a woman when everyone around me was already on that journey made me feel like a complete freak (because I didn’t have enough adolescent hangups). If I only knew, I’d have been happy to postpone it for as long as possible. God gave me the start of a new journey that birthday, and two decades later, I got the gift again and I’m grateful. As I wrote that, I was just reminded that although I was scared, and fed up, and felt behind everyone, it happened, later than others but it did, and maybe I can hold on to that for everything else I want. It’s later than I want, but it’s still coming. Maybe, I can just trust and let it all go with faith to fate.

I eventually made it out of the house, for a man on the highway to wave me down to let me know my tyre was flat. Thank you kind sir. I made it to the gas station thinking I just needed some air, because it wasn’t driving terribly. I got out of my car to see that it was actually completely flat. When I pulled up, there was a kind man who I asked to help me put air because I haven’t done it in over ten years. He tried but the tyre was not accepting any air. Crap. So I needed to put on the spare, which obviously if I can’t put air in the tyre, I can’t change it. I called Dan who graciously answered and was on his way to help me. I have severe issues with asking for help in any capacity, so it took a lot to ask for help with the tyre but I knew that was easy at least. I would never impose on a stranger to ask for help changing my tyre. This kind stranger put air in his tyres then came back to me, asking me to pop the trunk for him to help me change it. I told him I had someone coming, so he didn’t need to inconvenience himself. He asked where they were coming from, looked at the traffic on the highway, and said he’d help. He changed my spare, and directed me to the tyre shop. He was wearing cream coloured clothing and I felt awful. His wife was in the car, patiently waiting. I am so grateful. Thank you Kishore. Thank you Mrs. Kishore. He also said he’s from Grande, same as me, which is where I was also heading. He changed it before Dan arrived, so he was able to turn around. Thank you Dan for answering and coming to my assistance. I made it to the tyre shop and they were able to fix it without me purchasing a new one.

I was proud of myself for taking everything in stride. It would have been the norm to catastrophize at the first sign, to go down the “woe is me, and especially on my birthday” train for everything that transpired. Instead, I saw only birthday magic surrounding and protecting me. I was able to say thank you at each step, and be amazed at how effortlessly it worked out. Anxiety, and sheer panic didn’t win. Calm, and faith, and gratitude won. My thought patterns are healing. Growth!

I think our good deeds attract more good deeds, but I also think our parents’ prayers and blessings are bestowed upon us. I know without a doubt my Dad would help someone in this situation every time, and I remembered that and just hope these good deeds keep circulating and multiplying.

I had a wonderful evening with my family on the day itself. Cake, presents and good food. I appreciate the family who made the trek to Grande to celebrate with me, even though it was so short given the unexpected ailments of my person, and my car. There’s a lot I can’t control. I can focus on what’s missing or immerse myself in gratitude for what’s present in my life in the form of my people. I’m at the age where it’s becoming more common to lose people, and this and every birthday going forward, I’ll remember those I can’t celebrate with anymore. This year I missed Auntie Trish, and Geen so much. One would always forget my birthday, and message me multiple times during the month, the other would always message me at midnight. Both played such a structural role in my childhood, and their care was ongoing until they died. I have so much guilt for not being there at the end for both of them because I was physically unable to be, which true or not, feels like a poor excuse. I know that they have always had nothing but love and kindness for me which somehow makes it worse, but will hopefully make it okay one day.

So many people have loved ones missing from their life, through death or even discord. I love, and am loved by my family, and friends. I don’t have any ill relationships with anyone, past or present, and that’s something to hold with pride. It’s a reminder that relationships require work, and they’re worth it, because the guilt when it’s too late is something I don’t wish on anyone. I have always tried to have family and friend get togethers because I love these people, and I’ve been absent for a couple years, so I’m committed to renewing those social outings, not because I have to, but because I get to, and that’s pretty special.

I’m at a point where I’m healing and that means letting go of all the deep rooted trauma and resulting expectations I held on to because I know it no longer serves me. This journey is in no way linear, and it’s a lifelong process, but I’m hopeful for the first time in a long time, and looking forward to it. I’m looking forward to being surprised in the best ways possible, by myself and the Universe.

So, what’s next? I’m starting a 100 day new life journey, with itemized steps, which I’ll discuss in the next post, but the goal is to be 1% better every day, to be ultimately at peace with myself for myself.

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Light and love always,

Sash